the elephant in the yard

29 06 2009

i feel like i have broken up with los angeles and we are now just trying to be friends. there is an awkward familiarity to my days here, but i don’t want to get to comfortable because i know it will never work out between us. california, it is not you, it is me. i have changed.

this trip is harder than i thought it would be and in such different ways. i am physically spent. the twins are so tired that they get up from their sporadic naps yawning and gemma is running on borrowed energy fueled by treats and excitement. i am pretty sure that ardor is going to run out on the plane to virginia. there is not enough time in the california leg of our trip to see everything and everyone we want to see and that is breaking my heart because i know that i can’t make this trek again with the twins and gemma anytime soon. i know i will be back for my photography, but i will have to make those trips solo. we were so spoiled by gemma. she was born to travel and while alec and i were patting ourselves on the back for being such amazing parents to raise such an adaptable kid, the universe was having a chuckle and drawing up the blueprints for clover and kieran. the twins are not born globetrotters and we, as it turns out, had nothing to do with gemma’s innate gypsy tendencies.

elephant

the elephant in the yard is this…los angeles no longer feels like home, but melbourne is not completely home yet either. it is a big world to have no center. i miss my bed in australia, but i miss my best friends in america. my kids are aussies, but my mom is in virginia. where does that leave me? it leaves me only one place…this couch in this house in this neighborhood in this city in this moment. it does not mean that i can’t look forward to the wonderful things we will be doing next or be sad that the days of this trip have passed so quickly already, but really it bolsters my enjoy the moment viewpoint.

so who is meeting us half way next time? fiji anyone?

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11 responses

29 06 2009
Stjernesol

Personally I feel that home is where the heart is, not where your body is or where you where born or whatever.

Nowadays I am living and working in Turkey. I am born and raised and have been living in Norway for 27 years, still I have to say – Turkey is more home to me than Norway ever will be. Even if my best friends and the closest of family still lives in Norway – my birthplace where I should feel more at home but don’t…

Well life is strange, somtimes we are not supposed to understand even our own self and feelings.

Be well & have a safe travel back to Australia 🙂

29 06 2009
Deana

I left my hometown nine years ago. The first time I went back it was extremely hard. But it gets better with time. You end up feeling like a tourist there, but in a good way. While all your other friends have to go to work, you can enjoy the city in all those ways you never had time for before.

By the way, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I admire your cross-Pacific undertaking. I have an 18-month-old and sometimes I am just overwhelmed having to deal with her needs and tantrums on my own. I can’t imagine what it would be like having to look after three kids at once.

29 06 2009
Miz Booshay

I hear ya.
I think visitng and not getting to see everyone is so hard!!
And then there is the missing.

Yes. It is hard.

I have no doubt you will enjoy every moment thru the disappointments.

p.s. I thought my first child was perfect and it was all because of me.
I have since been rudely awakened ;o)

29 06 2009
Rachel (Piper_H)

I can only imagine how difficult it is to live so far from so many people you love. From what I have read and seen on this blog and in your photos you and Alec are doing an amazing job. You are raising three wonderful, beautiful children. Have a fantastic time and enjoy every minute.

29 06 2009
lutty moreira

my family has the moving-outta-town gene. my parents have moved a million times before and after getting married, having kids, divorcing and getting married again.

i moved out of my parents’ when i was 17, from a small town in the country area of sao paulo to rio de janeiro. big city. good times. lots of changes. 13 hour bus trips when i could visit the family and friends…

then 4 years later i moved to la, and haven’t gone back yet, and still don’t know when i will…

after 4 and a half years in la, i’m moving to denver next month.. for about 6 months, then i’m gonna travel for 3 months and settle in spain for a little bit (that’s where one of my sisters is.. again, the gene).. and that’s enough planning for a while..

i’ll figure the rest later… but there’s one thing i’m sure: australia (or new zealand) is the place i want to settle for good.

and the whole discomfort being home and away from home.. it never goes away… it gets better, but it’s always there.. guess is something we have to get used to..

29 06 2009
Lisa

Fiji? What about Hawaii? 😉

Although I didn’t move to another country, (despite what some people may think!) I can relate. I think it takes about 5 years to really call your new home “home” and feel it. There are things I miss (not many from SoCal, haha) but it just makes our trips that much more fun.

And I am very lucky that both my boys are wonderful travelers, so that the thought of taking both of them on extended travels by myself is exciting and not stressful.

Best wishes to you for the rest of your journey! Stay healthy and happy.

30 06 2009
Harika75

Gosh Rachel!! You are an amazing talent. Love your words, love your thoughts, love your pictures. I can totally relate to your feelings and you sum it up so well. Being an Aussie who chose to move to SoCal, I feel at odds about why we do this to ourselves but you know what, we have so much easier these days by being able to communicate soooo much easier than before. Oh how I remember those satellite calls from Oz to my extended family in Turkey in the 80s… painful!! Wish you safe travels for the remainder of your journey 🙂

30 06 2009
SleepyJeanie

I love this blog – I have said that before, but I don’t mind saying it again. I am backpacking around New Zealand right now, and trying to find a place called home. Living in the moment is hard work when you are pushed and pulled this way and that all the time. I am trying to find out where I can call home right now, and it might be Wellington, where I am, but I doubt it. I love it here, but I miss my family. It’s hard Rachel, but you’re doing a damn fine job of it and everyone is looking well and happy…

Just keep having a great vacation, and love the fact that you can enjoy the moment, with those people you miss. In all honesty – I know where home is deep down, and I can’t wait to get back to it. 🙂

2 07 2009
jcanare

I grew up in Virginia, but embraced Northern California as home as soon as I landed at SFO. But then we became parents and tried a stint back East to be closer to family, only to eventually return to the Bay area. I can relate to “Not Quite at Home” syndrome..can’t quite embrace something 100% the second time around. It’s part of why I take pictures of my kids, as they ground me (and keep me too busy to think). Time makes it better too.

Love your actions. Saving up my latte money for the next set.

2 07 2009
Kristi

Hey this is my first time on your blog and I have to say…I feel your pain. We had to move from our home province (I’m Canadian) two years ago and I’ve often said that I feel really homeless in a sense because I don’t feel at home where my house isn’t and I don’t feel like it’s home where my house is. So I’ve come to the conclusion that home is just many places. 🙂

3 07 2009
Tammy

YOu’ve gotten such great feedback already. I can add that I’m American but have lived in Kuwait for 13 years, or so. I think I’ll always feel torn between the two places. You’ll miss one place or your favorite things about that place when you’re at the other, and I think that’s ok. Our horizons have just been broadened a bit.

I personally get anxious & homesick to the extreme at about the 18 month mark of being away. Then, I’m ready to go “home” about a month later, missing all the luxuries, friends, etc that I have here.

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